Whew, what a day. The moment I arrived to work, I was pushed out of my comfort zone. I freaked and then reminded self “this is what you wanted. This feeling is a reminder that you’re living.” I worked through my challenge and told my self “just work through it—that’s how you’ll get past it.” Isn’t that true in life, in general?
A few months before I stopped blogging, I felt like something was missing in my life. I wanted more. I wanted a lifestyle ala bitchcakes. I wanted THIS LIFE and I debated leaving Daniel to get it. I envisioned seeing myself in this hip apartment, biking to work and living differently…. I thought leaving my significant other would afford me this lifestyle. I wanted to “blow up my life so to speak.” I had semi-challenged myself in the fitness areas of my life…. I climbed Mt. Tallac and was pushed to my physical limits and I quit the “grandma zumba class” that I’d been doing and joined a zen master class. Whew, now I know what it’s like to work out even when I think I can’t take no more…
I accepted the fact that I was living in an increasingly decaying urban neighborhood and I decided to cut my losses and sell. Found a great place, near bicycle paths and great eateries. With that done—I debated leaving my job of 21 years. Could I buy a taco truck? Instead, I had a frank discussion with my boss. I needed to be challenged. I felt like a den mother in my current job. How do you tell your boss “you’re paying me too much money to shop at Smart n Final and babysit grad students.” It panned out and I’m being challenged intellectually. I’m making decisions and what’s more---I feel alive. You can’t just wait for you life to change. You have to recognize that “hmmm” feeling and shake things up. It turns out, I did not have to leave Daniel to have a different life. Daniel and I are different. it’s okay that he wants carnitas y tortillas and I a black bean burger? I dared myself to want more… and it’s wonderful.
This morning, I dressed for work. I put on some old jeans, boots and a gray top. My ass was sticking out and my thights felt thick and you know what I said to self “I love my curves…” I feel great for an almost 50 year old woman. This is paulawannacracker and I’m loving the view from here.