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Friday, January 20, 2012

I dared myself to want more… and it’s wonderful.

Whew, what a day.  The moment I arrived to work, I was pushed out of my comfort zone. I freaked and then reminded self “this is what you wanted.  This feeling is a reminder that you’re living.”  I worked through my challenge and told my self “just work through it—that’s how you’ll get past it.” Isn’t that true in life, in general?

A few months before I stopped blogging, I felt like something was missing in my life.  I wanted more. I wanted a lifestyle ala bitchcakes.  I wanted THIS LIFE and I debated leaving Daniel to get it.  I envisioned seeing myself in this hip apartment, biking to work and living differently….  I thought leaving my significant other would afford me this lifestyle. I wanted to “blow up my life so to speak.”  I had semi-challenged myself in the fitness areas of my life…. I climbed Mt. Tallac and was pushed to my physical limits  and I quit the “grandma zumba class” that I’d been doing and joined a zen master class.  Whew, now I know what it’s like to work out even when I think I can’t take no more…
I accepted the fact that I was living in an increasingly decaying urban neighborhood and I decided to cut my losses and sell. Found a great place, near bicycle paths and great eateries.  With that done—I debated leaving my job of 21 years.  Could I buy a taco truck?  Instead, I had a frank discussion with my boss. I needed to be challenged.  I felt like a den mother in my current job.  How do you tell your boss “you’re paying me too much money to shop at Smart n Final and babysit grad students.”  It panned out and I’m being challenged intellectually. I’m making decisions and what’s more---I feel alive.  You can’t just wait for  you life to change. You have to recognize that “hmmm” feeling and shake  things up. It turns out, I did not have to leave Daniel to have a different life.  Daniel and I are different. it’s okay that he wants carnitas y tortillas and I a black bean burger?  I dared myself to want more… and it’s wonderful.
This morning, I dressed for work. I put on some old jeans, boots and a gray top. My ass was sticking out and my thights felt thick and you know what I said to self “I love my curves…” I feel great for an almost 50 year old woman.  This is paulawannacracker and I’m loving the view from here. 


  1. whoo hoo. You wanted your life to change and you changed it. You know inspire me! I have been contemplating what my life will be in a few years..and I don't want to fumble towards it blindly...I need to decide what I want it to look like and go at full tilt..will it pan out just as I envision? No..but at least it will be interesting.

  2. this is such an inspiring story. I've been afraid to make changes to my personal life. I want to find my passion in my career that pays and makes me happy everyday. I think that is the only missing in my almost complete life.


  3. @ cris and rosa--life doesn't always work out the way we want it to but and i think when you reach a certain age we start questioning who we are or better, who we want to be. I think blogging community gives you a glimpse at what your life can be (even though i think not all bloggers put their "real" life out there)... Life is a constant assessment. Somewhere I read that fear can be a good thing and that helped me because I wasn't feeling any of that in my day to day life. Rosa and Chris we gotta fight the inertia (did i spell that right?) luv you guys.

  4. Wow! I "blew" my life up around ten years ago. September 11 gave me the push and I went with it. No, no regrets. Is it everything I wanted? Probably not, but it's so much better than what I had. So glad to see you in Blogland.