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Friday, January 4, 2013

Present as I can

Hola, happy Friday.

Second day of work is slow but yet productive. I've managed to update subscription database and invoice for the journals.  That always feels good.

Additionally, today I decided to google types of cancers and realized I've not been "on-point" in getting answers from my oncologist. They never want to tell you stuff.  You must ask and when  you don't know what to ask, well it's a tough situation.  I googled my cancer and it scares me.  Am I to keep my head in the sand and trust God or trust God but be curious as to what may be around the corner?  It's a tough road. 

It's January 2013 and I want to make goals, but how the hell can I?  I am feeling mad.  I know ANGER is wrong.  The smart part of me tells me my ONLY GOALS is to stay strong. Eat the best I can, and to stay as healthy as possible to get through chemo.  As for activity, there is a two-week window where I feel 75% me and during those times, I walk.  This should be goal enough, right?  I'm pissed. I want to make plans. I want to visit with friends. I want day trips.  I tell self "knock it off paula. There will be plenty of time for all that..."

It's the first day I really feel ANGER. As much as I try to be normal. This SHIT is still with me.  My co-workers are concerned. I've worked here 23 years.  I decide to be open about it. Answer questions but mostly, I remain upbeat and positive. After all... beinig BOOHOO is no fun.  But today I'm angry. I know it will subside. I know I  have to feel it. I know it's human nature.  Having faith is not easy.  It's a commitment in and of itself.  I wish I was stronger in the Lord to have that certainty to know that I'll be around forever.

But none of  us have that certainty. We do have today and keeping that in mind, I listened to the leaves fall from the trees as I walked in the park. I looked at the group of men gambling. Wondered what their story was... I admired the architecture of the old buildings near my office, and then decided to be as present as I can....

Present as I can....

Que  mas puedo hacer?


  1. I say make goals...daily goals and monthly ARE here! You ARE living. LIVE. Easy for me to say, I know...there is a little girl named daisy who has been fighting her cancer for 3 years...she has had a relapse and is in her last stages...but she kept doing...she went surfing, she got a pet, she lived. You are absolutely correct. We all make plans as if tomorrow is promised, when it isn't. People you think are going to be here aren't...None of us is guaranteed tomorrow. It's okay to be pissed's okay to feel whatever it is you are going to feel. I am praying for you...I hope your tomorrow is beautiful. Hang in there.

  2. Christine said it all perfectly. Live and do whatever makes you happy. We are reminded daily that life is too short, yes most of us still take it for granted.

    It's okay to be angry even if you don't know why or what you're angry about. Just keep feeling. Don't shut down.

  3. Trust God is the first thing. But keeping your head in the sand is not what God would want. He gave you a BRAIN to use!. :-)

    Make your goals girl!!!!